Sa ne descretim fruntile....

I recently purchased a new PC from one of the major computer manufacturers. I placed my order via the web but asked for them to call me for my credit card information. So, after a couple days of phone tag, I got in touch with the saleswoman handling my account. I was thinking I'd just give her my credit card number and be on my way.
Almost.
Saleswoman: "Do you realise that the modem you've chosen doesn't have sound support?"
Customer: "What exactly does a 'modem with no sound support' mean?"
Saleswoman: "It means that if you go to a web page that has a movie or sound file, you
won't be able to hear it."
Customer: "What does the modem have to do with that?"
Saleswoman: "Well, sir, the modem is what connects your computer to the Internet."
Customer: "So, you're telling me that this particular modem scans the TCP/IP packets
passing through it for those belonging to any sound application and filters them out?"
Saleswoman: "Yes."
Customer: "How does it accomplish this feat?"
Saleswoman: "I'm not technical enough to answer that. Please hold."
I stayed on hold for five minutes and hung up.


When you are over 50...
Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
No one expects you to run into a burning building.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
Things you buy now won't wear out.
You can eat dinner at 4 p.m.
You can live without sex (but not without glasses).
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realise it.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You sing along with the elevator music.
Your eyes won't get much worse.
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
You can't remember who sent you this.


Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?

Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.

Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.

Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.

Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?

Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
A. Four times.

Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

Q. Were you acquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?

Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.




Differences Between You and Your Boss
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

When you please your boss, you're apple polishing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked


Idiots At Work:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.


The Wife
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his check-up, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.
"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.
"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die," she replied.


Indian Message To The Moon
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question which his son translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"
A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognising a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder.
After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to translate it. He refused. So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed but refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.
Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. He reported that the moon message said, "Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land."


Bad Leg
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes into the doctor.
He says, "Doc, you got to check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"
The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh, only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks. I really need 20 bucks."
"I've never seen or heard anything like this before. How long has this been going on?" The doctor asked.
"That's nothing Doc. Put your ear to my knee."
The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say, "Man, I really need 10 dollars. Just lend me 10 bucks!"
"Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded.
"Wait Doc, that's not all. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him.
The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 bucks, please, if you will."
"I have no idea what to tell you. There's nothing about it in my books," he said, as he frantically searched all his medical reference books.
"I can make a well educated guess though," he continued. "Based on life and all my previous experience, I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places.


The Girl of His Dreams
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young man in college called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the girl of his dreams. Now what should he do?
His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the girl came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.
"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes."
"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.
"We hadn't started eating yet."


Pregnancy Q and A
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

De Paste ...

... Bula vroia sa se urce in avion cu un pui de gaina, mic, galben si piuitor, cadou pentru Bulisor.
- Domnule, zise stewardesa cea urita si batrina a Taromului, nu e voie cu animale in libertate
in avion!
Se intoarse Bula in aeroport, se duse la WC, si, din lipsa de timp si neavind bagaj de mina,
ascunse puisorul in slitzul pantalonilor si urca inapoi in avion. Locul lui era linga o calugarita
tinara si frumusica. De atita uitat la buzele ei proaspete, adormi Bula cu gindul nu tocmai
curat la ea.
Deodata, puisorul iese din pantalonii lu' Bula, scoate capul prin slitul
desfacut si incepe sa piuie. Calugarita speriata incepe sa-l zgiltie pe Bula:
-Scoala domnule, scoala repede...
Speriat, Bula tresari uitindu-se in toate directiile:
-Ce e, unde, ce...ce s-a-ntimplat!?
Zise calugarita:
-Domnule, eu nu am deloc experienta in acest domeniu, dar am impresia ca vi s-a spart un
ou!

Doi tipi insurati discutau:
- Tu ai facut vreodata sex in trei?
- Nu!
- Atunci, du-te repede acasa, poate mai apuci!

---------------------------------

Anunt: “Angajam vanzatoare”. Se prezinta o fatuca la interviu, patronul o ia si-o prelucreaza “fata draga noi nu zicem NU la clienti chiar daca nu avem produsul in stoc…. ii aburim, ii amanam”. Zis si facut, trece o luna, prinde fata manevra, intra un cetatean:
C:"manusi aveti?"
V: "Pai, sigur… de care sa fie? De piele? Tricotate? Cu un deget, cu 2 cu 5?"
C:"De piele, normale, cu 5 degete"
V: "Le purtati la palton sau la jacheta?"
C:"La palton, ca vine iarna!"
V: "Domnule, eu va propun sa veniti maine cu paltonul, sa vedem ce se asorteaza".
Pleaca omul, cand sa iasa pe usa intra unul hiper-furios c-un colac de buda si c-o placa de faianta in mana:
"Cucoana, uite asta-i capacul de la buda, asta-i nuanta la faianta, curu ti l-am aratat ieri, acuma-mi da-i hartie igienica?

Pierdut bricheta (galbena), zona Giulesti, 20 martie 2008.
Pentru informatii va rog contactati-ma. Mailto: suporter_steaua@blaturi.ro.
Am nevoie urgent de bricheta pentru ca urmeaza si meciul cu Dinamo... Rog seriozitate!

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Credibile cercetarile...mai ales partea cu Japonia si sexul... cica ar fi niste sondaje conform carora 70% din astia nu performeaza nici o data pe AN!